It looks like the family's days are numbered. I say this not only because i think it's true but my family has been obliterated partly due to the 'new morality'. I live alone estranged from most of my family (A beautiful wife in every way and my only love and 4 great children).

Three and a half years ago, my wife was informed by my eldest daughter that I had been having an affair - the downside of texting and inquisitive daughters. I didn't have any gripe about being informed upon; I was in the wrong after all. It's just that my wife had undergone an emergency life-threatening operation 3 weeks earlier and being in the operating theatre for 5 hours with far too much anesthetic, had to recover from depression as well as the physical repair. Her reaction was one of total devastation. She suffered a breakdown right in front of me. Thereafter, she viewed each detail in the darkest and most exagerated way. From the start I thought the approach to her questions would be total honesty. Once I had started, I had to continue. What a mistake. The result being that she has a different perspective compared to the actual reality. She thinks it was the greatest romance that has ever existed. In reality it was a series of 6 one night stands with a work colleague 23 years my junior. I was 52 at the time.

I have come to realise that infidelity rarely happens if there are one or two personal worries or family problems. I know that in my situation there was a whole raft of problems impinging on me. For a start, my wife and I had lost control of our lives somewhat. We had been very active Mormons for 11 years before we let things slip slowly and inperceptibly at first, but it reached the stage where we should have spoken to our Bishop about the the principles we were not adhering rather than rationalising them. As our wrong behaviour got worse, it became a matter of pride why we didn't seek his counsel. Over the last year and a half in the Church we stop getting the joy that accompanies proper living. Things came to a head while in Holland in 1997 where we started smoking grass again (we had dappled before our conversion) and never returned to Church. We just thought that we had blown everything. From there on the slide increased. All the restraints had been removed and we went 'hell for leather' towards hedonism.

As humans we are given the gift of free agency to act. If we make right choices then we exercise our agency and it becomes stronger; much like a muscle. However, if we make wrong choices, maybe because they appear more attractive, our agency looses it's strength and we are less able to exercise it and it dwindles away until we increasingly make bad choices. This was what happened to me and my wife.

So, when we came home from holiday we hooked up with old friend who turned us on to ecstasy and coke. It started off with taking esctasy once a month but it wasn't long before we got to the stage we were using nearly every week-end. We were involved with a small group of friends and although we maintained our distance from each other, the parties became increasingly sexually charged. This involved the women dressing up much like the Pussycat Dolls. Although mature people, the women were all beautiful and had great slim bodies. After the parties my wife and I would have went home and watching porn and a few joints to chill, made love until breakfast. Although this was extremely satisfying, we had to pay the price of the come-down over the next three or so days. This led to me making poorer and poorer choices and I became increasingly irritable. My work suffered and I took redundancy from a well paid job. I used the redundancy money to work on a personal project and due to my lifestyle, I ran out of energy after about 9 months. Around this time there was a down-turn in funding for the type of work i had previously done and by the time of my affair I was working at three part-time jobs to make ends meet. I was working in a homeless hostle 2 nights one week and three the next. I was selling a skip service for a multinational company 3 days a week and cleaning windows the other 2 days. Some weeks I was working 80 hours.

The drug taking continued though. We were watching more porn as well. We started to fantacise about the porn too. While have sex, sometimes we would have porn on the tv and fantacise about being in a orgy with the actors. As we went to Holland a lot on holiday, we discovered a swingers club where we could realise those fantasies. We found that we could attend without participating with others on a vouyer and exhibitionist basis. We attended the club 5 times but on the last time we went further than we should have, swopping with a couple which proved to be a big dissapointment. It appeared that the reality wasn't a patch on the fantasy - for us anyway. Something broke that night. I don't think our kisses glided as well from that time. It was the thin edge of the wedge.

About 6 months before the affair, my wife, who had worked as a childminder from home for years, decided that she would go out to work to be with adults for a while. She got a job working in security at the airport. This involved marriage unfriendly shifts. She would work 2 earlies (5am start) which meant that she would be in bed for 8pm the previous night. Then she would work 2 lates (coming home at 10 45pm). The next two day she would have off but the second day she would have to be in bed for 8pm to be up for the folling day's early shift. This meant that we would only see each other in the evening 1 day out of 6. If i was working the night that she was off then we were hardly seeing each other. It also gave me a lot of time on my own looking for something to do. What made matters worse was that on the nights she was home late she would tell me stories of people in work having affairs which unsettled me. This was compounded by her telling me she impressed by two of her collegues. I started to feel increasingly insecure but I never discussed it with her as I would rather hear her stories rather than her conceal them from me. Maybe i thought that I could detect if she was messing around by what she told me.

My insecurities where further heightened by my health and attraction as a man. At 52, I was losing my hair, my teeth, my sight, my hearing and my looks. I was still fit but old age was beginning to stare me in the face when i looked in the mirror. My wife didn't help when she would frequently chide me that I was an ugly wee man. I think she did this due to her own insecurities, thinking that the more she said it the less confident I would be around women. I'm really not that bad looking.

The affair happened almost by accident. I was at a Christmas works party without my wife who was working and one of the attractive drunken younger woman, i noticed, was giving a few of the male staff their Christmas kiss. When we were alone later I had said that i didn't get mine to which she gave me a passionate kiss. I was aware that she was drunk and i almost felt like a bit of a perv. The next week when I when on duty, I got her phone number from the staff directory and phoned to apologise for my behaviour as I didn't want it bandied around work that i had propositioned her. The reason for this was that I was always praising my wife to my colleagues. After apologising she told me that she had enjoyed it. Within a few seconds, the jack-the-lad came out of me and I asked her did she want more to which she replied "when". I realised instantaneously that this was something I had not been seeking for but what the hell; it might lift my spirits, provide me with a security tonic, who would know, the wedge had already been driven, my wife would never find out, re-affirm me as a virile man and everybody seem to be doing it anyway. The stupidity of men.

So in summary, my morals had declined and with it the ability to make right choices. The drug taking and the parties left me dibilitated and less able to cope with the rigours of life. The 'swinging' and the porn removed the dignity from our relationship. Our economic situation took it's toll. My wifes shifts created opportunity for my infidelity. Her digs at me, although in jest, had an effect. My health created personal insecurities and fostered a desire in me to be reaffirmed as a virile man. Lastly, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The damage that was created has been immense. When I left the family home I went in to freefall with an increase of drug taking. My behaviour was noted by my wife and we increasingly became estranged. My children, seeing the way their mother was affected rejected me to remain loyal and supportive to their mother. My wife changed from one of this worlds nicest persons to a woman full of fury, malice and hate; all directed at me. For two and a half years, I used drugs to hid from the damage I caused and from my own personal loss. At the end of 2008 I realised that if i was to go on the way i was doing, I might not see another year. At the start of the year, I repented and returned to Church stopping the coke, esctasy, dope, alcohol and tobacco all on one day. I know that, due to my repentence that i received divine help. However, I had to withdraw from all my friends who were doing similar. This has left me alone with no crutch to hide from the damage I created.

I had to attend a church council where I was excommunicated because of my behaviour. This has been a real blessing to me as it allows me the time to get back up to speed with living the way God desires of me so as i can be a joint heir with Jesus Christ of all God has. The Church has provided me with support over and above that which I need. Every day is a challenge but I am becoming more and more able to deal with my pain. Every day my thinking is becoming clearer and my ability to make right choices is increasing. I intend to be baptised again next Spring.

I spend all of my spare time at home and have overcome my desire to watch porn. I even have a porn block on my computer. I am totally celebate and don't date women as I am still technically married. I have the greatest desire that I have ever had to try to put my family back together again. My two son see me at least once each week and I know they are pleased with my efforts. My two daughters still don't talk to me but I know that in time they will see that I am someone that is becoming a better person every day. My dear wife will need to become more truthful with herself and find it in her heart to forgive me. Right now she has a non-molestation order against me that she lied to received; so she won't talk to me. However, My love for her now holds no bounds. There is rarely an hour goes by that I don't pine for her. The pain is unbearable. Even now as I type these words there are tears streaming down my face. She is the most important person to me in the universe. I loved her before I came to this earth and I always will through the rest of eternity. The first time I set eyes on her I told the friend that was with me that I would marry her. He looked at me as if i was mad. But, I did.

I believe it was the adversary that made things that would harm me and my family look exciting and attractive. He really fooled me. Following Jesus Christ won't bring my family back but it is the best chance I have and by following Him I will become a better person.